What's Normal???

Rat-tat-tat

So, later last night Jeremy texted me to tell me good night.  I told him I had a phone call while we were texting earlier then got busy with housework.  Sure I could have told him that he’s freakin’ me out, but I still like talking to him and dont want to make him feel weird around me.  Whatever, it’s nice to have someone to chat with and boost my self esteem.  

Got some potential good news tonight.  Looks like the lazy, mooching, pathetic “roomates” will be moving out soon!  Travis said that Heather is closing on her new house on Friday  :)  :)  And that his cousin Heather D. (Different Heather, Good Heather) will probably be moving in soon after.  Heather D. is very prego and ready to pop any day.  She also has a sweet almost 2-year-old who would be moving in as well.  How sweet will it be to have 2 little babies in the house!   Looks like I have some serious baby-proofing to do!  First things first, that rat traps must be moved!  Ewww!  Gross, but true!

Even though it’s summer and rats and mice should be creeping around in barns and corn fields, for some strange reason we have them (hopefully by “them” I mean 1) in the house.  We’re not gross people, I swear!  I have no clue why it comes in the house, but we’ve heard it, and my friend Russ saw it one night!  I feel dirty even admitting it on here, but this is my TRUTH blog.  Haven’t heard it in a few nights, so maybe Elvis has left the building… Let’s hope!

Well, I’ve had a half dozen beers, and watched a half dozen episodes of Family Guy tonight, so I’m not even sure this post will make any sense.  Not going to bother proof reading either!  Good Night!!!

Dick Pick

Guys, tell me, is it NORMAL to have a picture of your penis on your cell phone? 

I’ve been talking to this guy, it’s kind of complicated, but we’ve known each other for about 10 years.  When we first met he was in high school, maybe 16, and I was in college, probably 20.  He had a HUGE crush on me, but I was a big-bad college chick and wanted nothing to do with a little high school kid!  Funny how the older you get the closer those ages get?  Well, we have kept in touch on and off through the years, see each other once a year at a 4th of July party.  But I live in Ohio, he lives in Tennessee now.  So we go through spurts of texting for a few weeks, then it fades off for a few months.  No big deal.

Well, remember those drunk texts I was sending out Saturday night?  I was talking to this guy, Jeremy.  So we’ve been on one of our texting sprees for the last couple days.  Last night, out of no where he asks me if I want him to send me any pictures.

 I reply, “Sure, what do you want to show me?”

To which he answers, “I have a few of myself.”

So I call him vain, and roll my eyes (which of course he cannot see).  First he sends me the typical teenager, myspace, cameraphone in the bathroom mirror picture.  Okay, yes, he’s still hot.  Then he tells me he has another picture of one of his body parts.  Ummm…. pinkey finger???  Please God, let it be his pinkey finger…

Nope!  You got it, his erect dick!  Why the hell does he just happen to have this image on his phone?  Is that normal?  Of course I gave it a good once (or twice) over, and am happy to report I did not detect any warts. Don’t have a good perception about size, would have been helpful if he would have laid a quarter next to it, or something, just saying.  But still!  Why!?!  

This leads the female mind to wonder, did you take this picture just to add to your family photo album, or, was it taken to send to another girl at some point and you just love it too damn much to erase it?  Were you laying on the couch one night, jerking off to Angela on Who’s The Boss and thought, “my, that’s a pretty erection, I must photograph it!”?  

I tried to play it off like it didn’t really freak me out, but umm…. yeah it did.  So today he texts me and tells me he feels pretty dumb for sending me a picture of his penis, which I bet he has a name for, he just seems like that kind of guy now. So I choose to move on and ignore the situation and keep chatting with him.  Not 3 texts later, he’s offering to send another masterpiece, a lot like the first one!  I didn’t reply, and still haven’t.  To me, unless the conversation is going in that direction, this is a turn-off!

Entitled Squatters

I hate when people take advantage of other people!  I really hate it when people take advantage of other people, but because they’ve been “entitled” their entire lives, they don’t even know they’re doing it.  That’s the case with two of my “roommates”.  I hesitate to call them roommates because that word implies they are shared partners in our living situation.  But that would be totally false in this case.  

See, there are 4 of us living in this farmhouse.  The owner (Travis), the renter (me), the squater (Sam), and the girlfriend (Heather).  Heather and Travis have been very good  friends for about 8 years.  She would come over to the house to hang out nearly every night.  Back in March, a guy that she and Travis know from the fire department (Sam) was seperating from his wife and needed a place to stay.  Travis is a “shirt off the back” kind of guy, so he offers Sam a room until he can get things figured out.  It didn’t take but a couple weeks before Heather (not his wife) starts staying with him EVERY NIGHT!  Mind you, Sam isn’t paying any rent, or helping with any bills.  Travis is too nice a guy to say anything about it, and I keep my mouth shut (which if VERY difficult for me to do) out of respect for Travis.  But I’m getting fed up with the entitlement of those two!

Example #1 – Neither of them EVER clean anything… EVER!  They use a dish, they put it in the sink and the magic Martha Fairy cleans it.  Neither of them have picked up a broom, dust rag, or dish cloth, not once in nearly half a year.  

Example #2 – The bathroom smells like urine.  Sam is a larger fella, so I’m pretty sure I hasn’t seen his dingle-ling in quite some time, so he has NO idea where he’s aiming that thing.  I have to clean the toilet at least twice a week to keep the smell away.

Example #3 – Sam is also a pretty hairy ape-like guy.  When I get in the shower I should not have to clean the pube-like back hair from the floor and walls!  Nasty!

Example #4 – I get very aggitated when I, who lives and pays rent here, can’t get a morning shower, morning pee, or even brush my teeth before work because someone who doesn’t live here is taking a 1/2 hour shower.

Example #5 – Speaking of the one who doesn’t live here, Heather has corrected me more than once about the fact that she does not live here, she has her own room in her parents house… way to go winner… GO THERE!!!

Example #6 – This is a pretty big old farm house so there isn’t central air, just 2 small window air conditioners (I’m not complaining, I don’t really mind the no a/c) but one of the window units is in Sam and Heather’s room.  They leave it running on high all day with their bedroom door closed!  If it’s going to run all day, open the damn door and cool the rest of the house down morons.  Did I mention they don’t pay anything for the electric bill???  That’s entitlement, right there!

Example #7 – They dominate the washer and dryer 24/7!  I don’t do a lot of laundry myself, maybe a load or two a week (and that’s for both me AND Travis).  They run at least a load a day… for two adults???  I’m thinking that between the a/c and the washer and dryer, neither of them have ever had to pay a utility bill in thier lives!

Example #8 – Sam and his WIFE have two little boys together.  Yet Sam is locked up in his room with Heather every night.  We live in the same small town as his boys.  So why isn’t he with them at least a few nights a week?  How can a girlfriend of a few months take precidence over your children?!?!  This is where I lost ALL respect for him.

Example #9 – They eat take out EVERY NIGHT.  Not just a few nights a week, or even almost every night. No, 7 nights a week, they go to town and buy food.  Yet, never a dime offered to Travis?  Really?

Example #10 – This is what really burned me last night and made me literally bite my lips to keep my mouth shut.  Heather comes out of their room, into the kitchen where Travis and I were, to tell him, “I’m about to kick your washer!  The damn thing won’t start and I need pants to wear to work tomorrow. You need to get that fixed.”  WTF!  I almost let her have it then, but again, out of respect for Travis I kept it to myself and let him handle it.  I did manage to get out a “then why don’t you take them to your mom’s house” before I could stop myself.  

Now why, you’re wondering, doesn’t Travis say something?  You may be thinking that he’s a doormat, a sucker, a schmuck.  But he’s not, really he isn’t.  He’s been friends with Heather for a long time so he is hoping that someday she’ll come around and stop being an inconsiderate bitch.  And since Sam has been staying here, he got Travis a new and better job.  So Travis feels indebted to him, and also has to work with they guy now.  So to keep the peace, which Travis is good at doing, he turns the other cheek.  Something that I, as a Christian, need to be better at.

These are just 10 of the 100′s of things that irk me about those 2.  I could go on and on about Sam’s chewing tobacco bottles all over the place, or the way they have alienated all of their friends, or that no one comes over to hang out like they used to because those two make everyone feel awkward.  I could go on about these things, but I’m going to pretend to take the Travis approach and turn the other cheek.

Meet my mom

My mother has good intentions, really she does.  But sometimes she doesn’t think about things the way I do.  As I’ve mentioned, I’m soon to celebrate the 1st anniversary of my 29th birthday.  I’ve never been married and don’t have any kids.  I’ve dated quite a bit, but nothing serious enough to get my mom to start thinking about dusting off that something old and something blue.  

As an example, I had been dating Dusty for nearly 3 years in college, but we really weren’t serious in any sense of the word.  Never even declared our “relationship” exclusive, though neither of us really dated anyone else in that time.  We finally both came to the realization that we were just good friends who like each others company on the weekends, and occasionally fooling around.  We never even had sex… in 3 years, not once!  One year for Christmas, my mom thought she had found the Perfect present for me, the book “He’s Just Not That Into You”.  Thanks mom!

Well, last weekend my family and extended family got together for a mountain biking trip in Virginia.  My family is pretty well spread out; Ohio, West Virginia, Tennessee, and Mississippi.  The next time I’ll get to see most of them will be Christmas, so mom thought this would be a good opportunity to throw me a supervise birthday party since my birthday is in September.  How sweet and thoughtful of her!  Or so I thought.  When I started opening gifts I thought it was odd that I got things like, a purple piggy bank, a set of Dora the Explorer dishes, burp cloths, and baby headbands.  I was confused to say the least, but I was trying hard to be polite and thank the gifters.  My mom finally told me (oh so innocently) that she had leftover baby shower invitations from my step sister’s shower and they were just too cute to go to waste, so she sent them out as my birthday invites.  She said since HER baby was turning 30, and since she may never get to throw me a baby shower… well, how thoughtful  I didn’t have the heart to tell her it really hurt my feelings, because for some reason she thought it was such a cleaver idea.  Gee thanks mom!

Bad Ideas that are fun

Oh my goodness, I have quite a headache today.  I’m sure it has nothing to do with the 15, or so, beers I drank last night… nothing to do with that at all.  I went with my roommates sister to some guys 30th birthday family get-together.  This is my kind of “party”, we ate, drank, and shot clay pigeons!  Not to brag, or make you jealous, but I was quite the Annie Oakley last night.  I was nailing those flying disks!  And my shoulder isn’t even bruised today.  Last time I shot like that, I had a bruise that went from my neck to my elbow.  Yeah, I wasn’t holding it right that time.  But this time…

After the shooting and shenanigans my roommates sister, Tasha, her fiance, Lou, and I drove around the dirt roads and corn fields in his truck, drinking beer.  Now, here is where I become the hypocrite that I hate.  I would NEVER condone drinking and driving!  But in my defence, we weren’t really on city roads, and if we were going to hurt someone, it would be ourselves.  Still no excuse for stupidity!  Putting that disclaimer aside… it was fun!  :)  Lou and Tasha grew up in these country hills so they know all the 4-wheeler paths that a truck can squeeze down.  We listeded to Truth & Salvage Co (my pick), and Shooter Jennings (Tasha’s pick), and Pink (Lou’s pick, no really, Lou picked Pink!).  Good times, but my head hurts today!

Another thing I did last night, that I wouldn’t recommend, was drunk texting!  This can never really make you look smart to the person receiving your texts.  I was texting this guy I kind of like (how’s that for sounding 12).  It’s a complicated story, for another posting.  Anyway, after waking this morning and reading my drunk texts from last night… well… I texted him things like, “I thmdnk fo u lot Jermy.” What the hell was I thinking!  Oh well, it’s not like we have a future anyway, I don’t think…

So to wrap up my evening…

don’t drink and drive… don’t drink and text… don’t forget the aspirin and glass of water before pass out!

A few facts…

Fact #1 about me:  I hate hypocrites

Fact #2 about me: I am a hypocrite

Fact #3 about me: I hate tomatos

Fact #4 about me: I love catchup and just about anything made out of tomatos

Fact #5 about me: I currently have $36.82 in the bank… checking and savings combined.

Fact #6 about me: I hate when people start out advice with, “if you had a man in your life…”

Fact #7 about me: I have a gay roommate, and we’re kinda like the poor version of Will and Grace.

Fact #8 about me: I am a firm believer that stupid people should not be allowed to continue to breed.

Fact #9 about me: I like to pretend like I don’t need help from anyone, but I know that’s not true.

Fact #10 about me: I still believe that boys have cooties!

Welcome to my world :)

So, I’ve been an intermittent blogger in the past, but much like everything else in my life I’ve been inconsistent.  Well, here I go again.  

Let me tell you a little about myself.  I am a nearly-30-year-old chick with a crappy low paying job, I’m single, slightly overweight, broke, and (much to the dismay of my mother) have no kids.  How’s that for livin’ the dream?  But really, for the most part, I’m okay with all of that.  In a lot of ways, I’m not sure who I really am.  At one point in my life, I thought I knew.  It’s been a  roller coaster, but I’ll get in to all that a little at a time… it will keep me writing for years

I’ve decided to keep this blog a secret from my friends and family so I don’t feel like I have to censor myself, or “protect the innocent”.  So, lucky for you… you’ll get to know the REAL me!  :)  

More to come soon!!!